


Back then, now, and one day

by korereapers



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Child Abuse, F/F, Zine: Promises - A Catradora Fanzine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/korereapers/pseuds/korereapers
Summary: Despite what she has been told since childhood, Catra knows she is not stupid. She is not a natural born leader, not born for greatness like Adora is. No big swords claiming her as a master. No praise from her superiors.If Adora wants anything, it’s to help Catra. To save her. Foolish Adora; Catra doesn’t want to be saved.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	Back then, now, and one day

**Author's Note:**

> 100th fanfic! It's an old piece for the Catradora zine, which is full of awesome authors and artists. Check it out!

Despite what she has been told since childhood, Catra knows she is not stupid. She is not a natural born leader, not born for greatness like Adora is. No big swords claiming her as a master. No praise from her superiors.

Catra believes Shadow Weaver, sometimes. It’s kind of hard not to, when different insults have been drilled into her head since she can remember, cold and black ideas rooting inside of her brain. Always there, waiting for her to slip up and make a mess of herself. A reminder from a tired voice that vaguely resembles her own.

_ I told you so. _

The voice drones inside of her skull, and she groans with a tired voice. She hasn’t been sleeping properly the last few days, and it shows. Her mood is dropping, and she feels as if she would literally bite someone if they got too close.

She can never let anyone get close again.

Scorpia and Entrapta  _ do  _ care. A whole lot. Caring is what Scorpia does, naturally empathetic, making Catra’s hardened heart crumble down no matter how hard she tries to keep herself emotionally distant. Entrapta, quirky Entrapta, lacks the ability to respect personal space but knows where the line is. She never touches her without her permission, never from behind, as if she knows. As if she realizes that Catra is a kindred spirit when it comes to physical touch.

Catra cares about them. She really does. They are her friends, even if she would never admit it out loud. She thinks about them as she finally breaks down, inside her room. The room Adora and herself used to share. She hugs her own pillow and lets her mind run wild.

She thinks about Adora, every day, at all hours. She remembers the years of mutual support, under Shadow Weaver’s sharp eyes. She almost smirks at the thought, even through the tears. What a pathetic old woman, feeding her own ego by torturing the children under her care. Especially Catra.

Her claws dig into her own forearm, slightly, and she sobs, shaking violently. Knowing that nobody can hear her, that this is her only moment of peace.

Catra hates herself, especially because she finds herself unable to hate  _ Adora _ .

Of course she is angry. Anger is the only logical reaction. And to be fair, to hell with logic, anyhow.

She would never admit missing Adora as much as she does. Something tells her that it’s not exactly a secret, though. She reaches out to her, in her own way. Pushing Adora’s buttons. She wants to make her react, to make her understand. To make her feel how unfair it all is, that Adora got the light, the recognition, the soft and warm embrace of people who love her; while the only thing that Catra got was abandonment. Cold and hard abandonment.

There is a knocking on her door, but she refuses to answer. Her voice would break if she did, and if anything, she is scared of being seen as weak. As pathetic. Like Shadow Weaver insisted she was. Like, deep down, Catra herself feels she is.

Catra feels like a burden on Adora’s glorious purpose. Like something that Adora didn’t hesitate to sacrifice in order to achieve the greater good. Adora fought back for Eternia but never for Catra.

And to be honest, Catra is totally  _ fed up _ .

The knocking resumes, and she just cannot take it anymore.

“Go the  _ hell  _ away!” she shouts, but it sounds more like a shriek, her voice wavering, her tears evident.

They don’t go away. If anything, her voice beckons a big hand to open the door. She doesn’t have to look to know that Scorpia is frowning, her usual idle smile gone from her neatly colored lips.

Catra hears Entrapta’s quick steps behind Scorpia, and she just lowers her gaze, pretending they’re not there, that she isn’t crying, that her guts don’t  _ burn  _ with both rage and a deep longing.

Neither Scorpia or Entrapta are good at respecting personal space, but they both know that touching her without her permission would hurt her. That’s how they both operate, too, overly sensitive to being touched by strangers without warning.

Scorpia reaches out as she kneels in front of Catra, offering her a helping hand. Quite literally. Entrapta’s hair messily fidgets with her own clothes, as if looking for something to hold on to.

“You don’t have to deal with this alone, you know…” Scorpia says, smiling at her.

Catra’s hand trembles as she takes her hand, doubtful. She hears Entrapta sighing in relief, and she feels something warm inside of her chest. Something beautiful.

\---------------------------------------------

Adora’s room feels empty in the middle of the evening, even when it’s truly not.

It feels like a disrespect to her friends, really. To long for someone this deeply while the three of them are in the same room.

To miss someone that, no matter how important she was back in the day, is now her enemy.  _ Their  _ enemy.

Adora doesn’t like to think too much about her days back in the Horde. The expectations. Shadow Weaver closely looking at her as if she were some kind of valuable experiment. Grooming her more than nurturing her.

Shadow Weaver loved to say that she was special. Destined for great things. She would have liked to believe her, as a kid. Always the best fighter, the most talented student. Always Adora, the only one whose name Shadow Weaver uttered fondly, behind many layers of venom.

Venom that made her knees weak back in the day, and still does, the pressure on her shoulders so heavy that she feels that she is going to collapse sooner or later.

And in the middle of it all, she is only able to think about Catra. Catra, who was always there, to cheer her up, to keep her company even when Shadow Weaver made her feel like an outsider. Catra, with her witty remarks, her prideful grins. Catra, suffering so much under Adora’s shadow, while Adora herself was unable to see how much she was suffering. Catra, who betrayed her, just because Adora had betrayed her  _ first _ .

As if having Eternia’s fate on her shoulders isn’t enough, Adora has to deal with the weight of guilt, too.

She is not alone, far from it. She knows she can share the responsibility. That she has people that care about her. That she is not in hostile territory, not anymore. Unlike Catra herself and her Horde.

Glimmer is snoring a little, and Bow complains, still asleep. Adora smiles at them fondly, at her friends, the ones who accepted and guided her. Her closest allies in a world that she still doesn’t understand.

Adora would like to live a happy, regular life, sometimes. Far from the Sword, far from the war. Still close to her friends, to her allies. To Catra.

If Adora wants anything, it’s to help Catra. To save her. Foolish Adora; Catra doesn’t want to be saved.

And it’s all her fault, she thinks, as she hugs her own pillow, her face wet with tears.

If only she had realized sooner. About the abuse, and how normalized it all was. About the neglect, about how Adora herself had neglected Catra’s feelings for so long. It wasn’t the Sword that gave her power and knowledge. It had always been there. It was just that Adora didn’t feel ready to acknowledge the situation, about the Horde, about Catra. She was scared, too scared, obediently lowering her head in front of Lord Hordak and Shadow Waver, while Catra dealt with the punishment Adora herself never got.

No wonder Catra feels that she was never enough for her.

Adora tenses as Bow moves near her, his breath changing. He is waking up, and Adora blushes, feeling vulnerable. She doesn’t feel like pretending to be strong this time.

“Adora, what are you…”

But she is unable to answer, her whole body shaking, her fierce willpower keeping her steady as tears fall down her face. It’s too much, way too much. That, or she is not good enough for this purpose. Far from it.

Undeserving of the Sword. Of her friends. Of Catra.

And Adora cannot help but break.

Tears wet her face, and her sobs become more obvious, less controlled. As if the pain inside of her is loosening up, even if for a moment. It’s more than enough to wake Glimmer up.

“Adora… Adora, what’s wrong?” she says, her drowsiness disappearing in a moment because of the worry she feels.

Adora’s whole body shakes as her composure breaks down like the walls protecting a beautiful and fragile treasure. 

“I… I miss her. I did terrible things to her. No wonder she hates me now.”

There is something unsaid, but she knows that both of her friends are aware of it. Adora hates herself now, too.

As Glimmer’s chubby arms embrace her from behind, Bow’s gentle ones do the same from the front. Like a fort. Protecting her fragility. Supporting and healing her.

“She will understand, one day.” Bow assures, his voice shaking a little because he is starting to cry, too. “Like you did. They all will.”

Glimmer’s embrace tightens, and Adora cannot help but smile a little.

One day, she thinks. One day.

**Author's Note:**

> As I am, now in a more serious tone, I think I'm taking a break from writing. I don't feel okay about myself and the stuff I create. So it's time to rest and rethink stuff. Don't worry about me. I'm gonna try my best.
> 
> My fanfic sideblog (on tumblr) is @prayforfroot  
> My main one is @eskuhotzak


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